Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Words & Phrases I Over Use

I MUST over use them because there is nothing more eye opening than having a parrot for a 2 year old who repeats your every action back to you in creepy pint size mirror form....Now IS there?

5) That's Right.

I say it. I type it. It's part of my everyday lexicon. When wanting to confirm other's thoughts for them (or what I think they should be thinking)  I employ a "thaaaaaaaaaaat's right- go take out the trash" or "thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's right....get your tookus in the corner young lady..." or "thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's right...keep telling yourself that..."

It's a very useful phrase.

4) Dammit.

Usually followed by a list of parental excuses to my kids as to why they can't say that. My Shadow isn't so understanding. I use this one a lot. Really need to quit that. Dammit.
(While we are on the subject of my potty mouth. SHIT.Generally either precedes or follows Dammit. I almost always find myself saying this after I've discovered the latest art project on my carpet, couch, or even better? The hubster's recliner. Did I mention her artistic element of choice is usually food and drink? It's justified swearing I assure you.)

3) I'm just sayin...

... (ya gotta throw the ellipses in there, because that indicates the awkward pause while the other party tries to comprehend what I'm just sayin.)

2)  Ridiculous.

Or in the way of the Shadow? "das didiculous..." Apparently things are often ridiculous in my house- but I will say this for myself. It's a lot better than what's actually running through my mind which is usually "That's pretty f@#$ed up."

1) Seriously (?)

It's always followed by a question mark. I never noticed how much I say this phrase until a friend pointed out to me years and years ago that people thought I was copying Meredith Grey on Grey's Anatomy. NOT so much. I've always taken the phrase quite seriously. Seriously.

NOW....just in case you're wondering what the average day in MY house is like? (and you know you are.) Let's put this in practical form of conversation...

MAMA AGU: (walks in and discovers a mess) Ah Shit. DAMMIT! Heathen? SERIOUSLY? This is RIDICULOUS! I mean... I know you're playing and all but come ON? I'm just sayin maybe use a pretend bottle for your baby dolls instead of dumping your sippy cup on Elmo?! That's Right- get a towel kiddo. We have a mess to clean up!

This list can also be combined with the litany of parental phrases my Mama-hood forces me to use on a daily basis. Examples are:

Go to the corner-                         
(I have a 2 year old- this gets said almost as often as Dammit.)


Stop that-                                    

Do I you want a spanking?       

Do you understand me?               
(So lately Heathen #2 has taken to saying this back to me when she's fussing at me for something...I've even caught her fussing at her baby dolls and asking them if they understand her. The funny thing is that since she's still a toddler and her speech is all wishy washy it comes out "you stand me?" Nothing funnier than a kid no one understands asking everyone if they understand her...gotta love it.")

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Epic Spousal Fail

I really did it today. Oof.

So the day did NOT start out well. Potty training is a biznitch and since I don't sleep well when my hubster is on the night shift I was up until close to 4 am, and up by 7 with the girls. And did I mention potty training is a biznitch?

So after multiple accidents on my daughter's part today (I say accidents...she flat out peed on my living room floor on purpose ARGH!) and the instance where she felt the need to walk into the bedroom and wake up her Daddy to inform him of her many travesties against her minnie mouse underoos...

I was ready for my afternoon break.

Confession: About 2 months ago I picked up a nasty habit I'd let go with my pregnancies. I on occassion still have a cigarette. Yes I know, bad Allgrowedup.

In any case, my afternoon break was uneventful, with the exception that I opted to go to our back porch instead of the front porch-

(need a reminder why??)

because looking at those travel trailers is enough to make me drink midday, and I'm trying to DE-STRESS, not add to my reasons to harm my liver and lungs.

Fast forward 2 hours and the TV shuts off. Hmmmm...okey dokey. Tripped breaker. I alert Mr. AGU and we get to work fixing the problem (I hold flashlight while he deals with breakers.) It's a no go. All the breakers are working but the one that controls my kitchen (GASP) and my TV which shares a wall with the kitchen (DOUBLE GASP.)

Mr. AGU surmises that the breaker is broken and will need to be replaced. One issue. I KNOW I smell something burning. I smell something burning and it's stressing me out. My husband informs me that it's just residual smell and will fade in a few hours, just to keep my nose peeled in case it gets worse and I need to alert the fire department.

Okey dokey, can do.

Fast forward another hour, girls are settled down to dinner. I go to the garage to inspect my washer and dryer (consequently, NOT working) and the smell is overpowering.

Head to the back porch and discover this:

In case you're having trouble deciphering that hot mess...That USED to be a trash can. That's right. I melted a trashcan with what I thought was a stubbed out cigarette...the said trash can was near an extension cord that connects our outdoor refrigerator to the house. Hence the blown breaker.

We apparently had a full blown fire raging on the back porch for a few hours and were both too wrapped up in getting the TV to work to notice. (Thank God I'm a paranoid freak of nature right?)

Also melted: Our ladder golf set, a lawn chair, and an old laundry hamper we use to collect toys from the backyard during lawn work.

More importantly, that extension cord. The one that connects the outdoor fridge to the house.

So now that fridge doesn't work. Which wouldn't really be an issue (We don't use it much) if it weren't for the contents of the freezer. See hubs is a fisher and hunter...and on top of all of his bait (ew) being in the freezer...there is also a bobcat he killed a few years back and just hasn't gotten to the taxidermist yet.

That's right. I said bobcat.

You've seen Pet Cemetary right???

Mr. AGU informs me I will have to remove the "thing" and either bury it or find a legal way to dump it before it defrosts...

Ummm...how bout NO? I attempted it but got the heebies and gave up. He can deal with that in the morning. I might be at fault for almost catching the house on fire but I'll be damned if I'm the one that has a frozen animal in the freezer! If he chooses to bury it the frickin cat can come back and haunt HIS ass...Thank you very much.

So that's my epic spousal fail. On a scale of 1-10 in shit days I think this was an 11. 

I think it goes without saying that I've quit smoking again. Nothing like near homelessness and possible harm to your children to get your mind right, right?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

You know come to think of it...

This ISN'T my first attempt at blogging. Many a year ago when MySpace first came out and it was ALL the rage, I had a blog for less than three months. And it was cool, people actually read it, commented on it...
Then one girl loved it so much she literally stole it. Down to the title of it.

I quit the blog right then. (Though with a scathing comment on the new girl's blog that only my Cajun ass coulda delivered with a smile and a wink just for the computer screen- don't lie, you know you make faces at yours too...)

It was called "Things I'm a whore for..." and it was just lists of things I could NOT live without at the time. I covered everything from things I HAD to buy, to my love of a weekly bubble bath, to my favorite nail polish color.

NOTE: I wasn't actually out whoring for these things, the title was ironic- though I suppose if you were to ask a certain sub-section of South East Texas Society what they thought of me at the time I'm sure the word "whore" would come up in some circles- and to those circles? Me back then would have to tell ya, don't hate. Not my fault God blessed me with a kick ass body, at the time a damn good job with loads of money to blow, and a winning personality. smooches. right here. On my buttox. kthxbai.

ANYWAY...talk about digression (I'm known for it. Ask my family) I had a lot of fun doing that blog...but it seems like a rather inappropriate title for a mother of three doesn't it? Mama Allgrowedup doesn't have much time (or funds...let's face it...kids are expensive lil shits...) to be much of a whore for material things.

BUT if I had to pick a few things I'm a bit of a whore for nowadays?

They would be as follows:

Hairbows. God love my baby girls I've got a damn obsession. The little one doesn't even have that much hair yet and she has a hairbow holder full of them...It's a little pathetic but I adore it. This is Texas darlin's...and if you don't have enough hair to have BIG hair...then you need a big ole bow now don't ya?

Yellow Box Shoes. I'm a convert. At first I could NOT understand why people were spending 40 dollars on flip flops. Sure they were cute, but seriously? $40.00 for Flip flops is stupid. Then some folks got me some for my birthday. Holy Heaven are the COMFORTABLE. I'm talking it's like walking on clouds people. AND if you're smart, you  can find them on sale for about 11 bucks occassionally! (Cute as they are I'm still not spending forty frickin dollars on a pair.) I have this pair in silver now too... My feet likey.

Tony's Cajun Seasoning. I've tried a million of them. Much to my husband's dismay (NOT to mention his ulcer, po po cher' bebe) I've still never found anything to compare to Tony's. When you're cooking cajun you need to have the complete package in a tiny green container. I sprinkle this on my french fries...it's THAT GOOD.

Need I say more? Try and pretend you're not. I bet we're already friends. I bet you're already harvesting some corn on my farm... and I'm WILLING to bet you're doing it from you're Iphone. I'm not cool enough for one of those yet...but a girl can dream.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I love me some entertainment television.

Especially this hooker. Can I BE her when I grow up please? Sigh. No I can't. I hate Vodka. Damnit.

Well that's it for the present moment. It goes without saying that these are things that I just happen to thoroughly enjoy and make me happy. Or at least entertain me when I'm having a bad case of insomnia and incredibly bored. (re: facebook)

Happy Saturday!


Friday, September 24, 2010

S@#! my Spouse does...

Ever have your day royally blown to crap and back by your spouse? Everyone does right...it's not just me.

So Mr. Allgrowedup totally blew my day to crap and back.

I've been prancing around the house the last few days in a wicked awful mood, slaying anyone in my path with a look because of who knows why...I just wasn't to be messed with.

And I decide "I'm gonna have a better day today..."

The children are behaving moderately well, it's almost the weekend...it can't be that bad.

Then Mr. Allgrowedup drops the bomb on me.

The new travel trailer is arriving...today.

Me: So the old one is leaving today right? (does happy dance)

Mr.AGU: No baby, I have to talk to my brother about when I can bring it to his place.

Me: (crestfallen) Soooo...where are you going to put the new one?

Mr.AGU: In the driveway honey, you're gonna have to park on the street for the next week or two.

Me: wha???

Mr. AGU: Sorry honey, but if it makes you feel better the new one is going up to the lease one day next week, so you will be back to your parking spot before you know it.

Me: So there are going to be TWO fugly travel trailers in my driveway???

Mr. AGU: Sorry honey.

Me: (walks out of room and closes self in bathroom to throw shit and cry a little)

The upside? The old travel trailer totally hides the skull grafitti on the NEW one from the street, so the neighbors won't think we are satanic crazy people...just crazy people that like to collect travel trailers.

How very lovely.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My Life is Lame

Which is PROBABLY why I have such a difficult time thinking of things to blog about. But according to my bestie I'm quite entertaining and perhaps should rethink this blog thing and post more often. So I figure, well, lists work for a lot of people so I'll try lists...but my lists are lame. Then I think, well I could always complain about Mr. Allgrowedup, or the kids...but lots of folks do that and it got old really quickly. So then I'm like, stories from my past? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot OVER, what DO I write about?

So that's where the blog has lead...I'm going to start this post with the top ten reasons my life is lame. It may very well include complaints about the fam and stories from my past. Enjoy.

10) I get excited by staying on budget at the grocery store. That's right. I count my few pennies down to the half cent and throw a celebration in the checkout line that makes the Playboy Mansion look like a Library when I come in under budget.

9) I get one date with my husband once every six months or so. We always go to a casino where we inevitably split up because we have different tastes in gambling choices. I like slots, he likes roulette. Ahhhh...romance.

8) I sport cut off sweat pants covered in paint from a Summer Stock Theatre program I did in college and actually ask myself daily "Does this make my butt look big?" because asking my husband such a silly question will get a retort along the lines of "Something needs to..." leave it to a man to exploit my self esteem issues about my non existant ass.

7) I dress my kids to the nines to run to the corner store. Gotta do something to fill the hours in the day, and my girls are hella cute rocking their hairbows in their car seats while Mommy runs in for beer and Dr. Pepper.

6) I use Facebook as an educational tool for my 2 year old. That's right. My kid learned her farm animal sounds from a game on Facebook. Who needs a See-n-Say when you have live action cartoon cows that you can feed?

5) My TV is on Nick Jr. just about 24/7...even after the kids fall asleep. I'm too lazy to change it and besides I missed this episode of Yo Gabba Gabba while I was preparing lunch...Gotta see what my Boy DJ Lance is up to today.

4) I spent a ridiculous amount of time handmaking the kiddos and myself shirts to sport at my son's soccer games. Hand glued rhinestones and a the never ending search for that shirt that was JUST the right color to match his team.

3) I really like the Kardashian's. Not gonna follow their tweets or anything but I'd totally get drunk with those crazy bitches. And Lady Gaga...MAN to be a fly on the wall when that woman is writing a song... can you imagine "I think I will write about a guy named Alejandro...while wearing a meat bikini and fighting against Don't Ask Don't Tell..."

2) If it comes on E! It must be fact. Just sayin.

AND the number one reason my life is lame:

1) I've spent the last six months plotting on how to get this fugly ass travel trailer Mr. Allgrowedup bought out of my driveway, and other than turning it into scrap metal I'm really fresh out of ideas that won't get the law called on me. I'm open to suggestions.

(No really the piece of shits gotta go... someone help me figure it out...I don't have a lot of brain cells left to waste on that particular project.)