Friday, April 22, 2011

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder...

Ya know you've missed me.

I wish I could say I've been doing something VERY exciting but in all honesty I've just been living. Or at least my usually half ass version of it.

The last month has been nothing short of INSANE- at least as far as timelines go.

Which brings me to this blog post. Over the last month I've planned birthday parties, christenings, made it to church all but one Sunday, shuttled the family to and from soccer practice and games, been SICK AS A DOG, and Mr. AGU was on what is known as "shutdown"... meaning they shut the plant he works in down completely and everyone works 7 days a week, 12 hours a day so they can knock out all the needed repairs on the unit in one swoop.

He pulled the night shift- so I was flying solo for a good period of time, and fairly ill at that. (Though thanks to my inlaws watching the girls for a few hours I was able to swing into a doctor and get some antibiotics round about  the end of week 3- and am now feeling much better.)

Mr. AGU, feeling all sweet and bad about my having run myself into the ground- (quite literally actually- I passed out in a grocery store last week. Highly humiliating, I don't recommend that.) arranged for me to get my hair cut and colored (First time professionally in over a year?) and I also got to get a mani pedi (also over  a year) which was- ironically- eye opening.

I was starting to get offended when we went out in public. People already look at us a bit funny when the whole motely crew is about. (especially minus Daddy- and the fact that none of my kids are clones of each other, I've actually been asked if they all have the same father *facepalm*)

However that aside these looks weren't the usual "AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOOK AT THE FERTILITY FREAKSHOW!!!" looks I'm used to getting and have been dealing with for at least 2 years now.

These were-pity. And that didn't feel very nice. People kept looking at me like they felt incredibly sorry for me and I couldn't for the life of me figure out WHY?! Hey- I've GOT this, Daddy is working a lot but we are handling it ya know? Everyone is clean, fed- sure the house has fallen to shit and back but I'm getting it better-

What the heck? My life isn't THAT bad people- sure it's busy, but isn't every moms?

And then I caught sight of myself in the mirror at the hairdressers.

And didn't recognize myself.

Sure I'd been sick. Everyone looks like crap when they've been sick. But not like this...

I looked about 15-20 years my senior. As if I'd been through some awful trauma as a 50 year old like- under going chemo or something.

My skin was sallow, I had bags under my eyes about 2 iches deep and swollen and purple. My hair was clean- but you couldn't really tell because I couldn't tell you the last time it'd been combed at that point- it was also the shade of a not quite ripe tangerine because I attempted to box color it and picked a shade that was simply atrocious for my skin tone, which was a lovely shade of green at that point.

I looked- pitiful

 Me 5 years ago would have pointed me out to a friend in the mall- laughed and said "That's why the hell you don't have kids- you look like shit constantly." (Yes, I was that shallow at one point in my life. shhhhhhh)

The hairdresser worked her magic and I must say I loved it. I even went home and put on makeup!

And Daddy took us to a baseball game! (Stros lost, but the fireworks were awesome)

But I still haven't quit lost that "haunted " look apparently. I suppose it's because I really do spend most of my days running on an unhealthy amount of caffiene. (Sorry bitty bit- but at least it's not ya know....drugs or whatever.) I have my kiddos to take care of though and whoever made the "rules" for pregnancy clearly didn't already have children and no help.

My husband is our financial backbone and we'd die without him (duh) but people can't really appreciate my life- and most wouldn't choose to walk a day in my shoes if they could help it.

I find it fulfilling but I have come to the conclusion that if I want the misconceptions about my happiness and ability to stop then perhaps I should somehow (when?!) find 5 minutes in the day to ya know- do my makeup and comb my hair.

So I've been trying. And I do look a lot more "human" lately. The annoying comments and pitiful looks are getting less frequent...though I have a new favorite annoying comment to share...

"I bet YOU don't need a sleeping pill at night!!!"

to which I replied "Nope. I haven't slept in years. It's a vampire thing." (insert a smile that implies I'm about to rip your throat out with my teeth for being an obnoxious hag- watch weird opinionated lady back away slowly...)

I have missed myself. Or should I say, I have missed having the time to "spoil" myself. I do wark hard, and it's deserved I'm told. But I figure in a few years I'll have time to slooooow down  a bit and make myself more of a priority. In the meantime, I promise to wear makeup in public and at least throw a ballcap on if Lil Bit has hidden the hair brush again. 

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Haves Vs. The Have Nots

And no, I'm not referring to those with "possessions"...

I'm referring to those WITH kids and those WITHOUT kids.

There are MANY sub-sections to each, but in the interest of brevity I'll leave my musings to the two main categories. (For those interested a sub-section of WITH kids would be "Have seemingly endless babysitting possibilities" and for those WITHOUT kids would be "Have a job that requires EXTREME time dedication, aka lawyer, doctor etc")

The examples were provided for the simple reason that what I'm about to say (obviously) is generalizing. It does not apply to everyone. (Remember- I still have to "explain" things for the ignorant in the world- I'm now no longer concieted enough to believe that my sarcasm is evident or self-explanatory.)


A first time mother, particularly a "stay at home,"  is a very naive little thing. She believes, unknowlingly, that her social life will continue on the way it always did, though with maybe a few exceptions- OBVIOUSLY there will not be nearly as many parties or what have you, but she will still have lunch dates with the girls every week, and CLEARLY her loving husband/partner is going to watch the little darling often so that she can have some "adult" interaction occassionally.

And then the baby arrives. At first, things seem much the same! Friends drop by to cuddle the wee one and ooh and ahh over every burp and fart with you and sigh over those precious baby shower items you still haven't stored yet...and life is just WONDERFUL. (At this point you are probably still in the "HONEYMOON" phase...)

And then a few weeks pass, and one of two things happens (damn subcategories, was really hoping to avoid them...) you either

a) Return to work


b) Realize you haven't talked to a grown up that wasn't your husband in 4 weeks...

That's just the beginning. Fast forward a few months and you've probably run into your best friend once or twice at Walmart, seen a work associate maybe ONCE for lunch (if you work), and run into that gaggle of girls you used to hang out with in the were looking at the sale rack at Dillard's in the baby section-wishing you could afford something, while they are perusing the Coach counter and ya know- aren't window shopping like you now do.

That's life with a kid sweetheart.

At some point you will be invited to a BBQ...the "whole" family... and your friends will assure you that "bringing the baby is CERTAINLY not a problem....why they haven't seen them since they were just bitty!! Y'all should TOTALLY come!" (newsflash- your kid is damn near walking now, that's how long it's been since you've heard from your "friends.")

You will spend this BBQ alternating trying to enjoy the ONE beer you are going to have time for while you try to keep your kid from destroying your friend's home, and shooting dirty looks at your husband who insisted you go to this thing even though you TOLD him it was a bad idea. Forget eating. You're going to be feeding the kid instead of eating-speaking of the kid?  Your normally well behaved child will pick THIS occassion to turn into the screaming brat from hell, thereby solidifying your friend's already made decision to NEVER invite you and your family to anything ever again...and you will find yourself, at some point... tearing up in the bathroom (where you are changing a diaper) going...

"this used to be so much FUN..."

I wish I could say it was different but the truth of the matter is? That's parenthood. I'm sure you have one or two friends who have kids, and your best bet truly? Is to stick with them and get close. And even then don't expect it to be a constant social whirlwind. Think about it, they have kids too. They are busy and just really DON'T have time to hang with you, however much they may genuinely want to. However they are MUCH more likely to return texts, answer the phone, and are a great sounding board for all those mommy- matters you find yourself needing assistance with.

Your friends without families simply do not, will not, and CANnot fathom it- nor do they want to.

They don't want to hear about lil Suzie's milestones over mimosas and pedis, and they certainly don't want to have to watch you try and parent while they try to enjoy BOTH of your company. They are, for lack of a better term, FREE- and most likely consider your lifestyle boring and stifling.

They won't get it until they have kids of their own. (Feel free to point and laugh at them inwardly when they's okay, we all do it. A lil bit of "na na na boo boo" is harmless...They would have done it to you too had they had kids first.)

Your friends aren't the ones that have changed though. As much as you would like to be hurt and blame them. (And it's hard not to.) YOU have changed...more importantly, your PRIORITIES have changed and that's not a bad thing at all!

If you were still out living the kid-free life when you HAVE kids? Well you wouldn't be a very good parent, now would you? And that's a lot more important than being a good friend.