I wish I could say I've been doing something VERY exciting but in all honesty I've just been living. Or at least my usually half ass version of it.
The last month has been nothing short of INSANE- at least as far as timelines go.
Which brings me to this blog post. Over the last month I've planned birthday parties, christenings, made it to church all but one Sunday, shuttled the family to and from soccer practice and games, been SICK AS A DOG, and Mr. AGU was on what is known as "shutdown"... meaning they shut the plant he works in down completely and everyone works 7 days a week, 12 hours a day so they can knock out all the needed repairs on the unit in one swoop.
He pulled the night shift- so I was flying solo for a good period of time, and fairly ill at that. (Though thanks to my inlaws watching the girls for a few hours I was able to swing into a doctor and get some antibiotics round about the end of week 3- and am now feeling much better.)
Mr. AGU, feeling all sweet and bad about my having run myself into the ground- (quite literally actually- I passed out in a grocery store last week. Highly humiliating, I don't recommend that.) arranged for me to get my hair cut and colored (First time professionally in over a year?) and I also got to get a mani pedi (also over a year) which was- ironically- eye opening.
I was starting to get offended when we went out in public. People already look at us a bit funny when the whole motely crew is about. (especially minus Daddy- and the fact that none of my kids are clones of each other, I've actually been asked if they all have the same father *facepalm*)
However that aside these looks weren't the usual "AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOOK AT THE FERTILITY FREAKSHOW!!!" looks I'm used to getting and have been dealing with for at least 2 years now.
These were-pity. And that didn't feel very nice. People kept looking at me like they felt incredibly sorry for me and I couldn't for the life of me figure out WHY?! Hey- I've GOT this, Daddy is working a lot but we are handling it ya know? Everyone is clean, fed- sure the house has fallen to shit and back but I'm getting it better-
What the heck? My life isn't THAT bad people- sure it's busy, but isn't every moms?
And then I caught sight of myself in the mirror at the hairdressers.
And didn't recognize myself.
Sure I'd been sick. Everyone looks like crap when they've been sick. But not like this...
I looked about 15-20 years my senior. As if I'd been through some awful trauma as a 50 year old like- under going chemo or something.
My skin was sallow, I had bags under my eyes about 2 iches deep and swollen and purple. My hair was clean- but you couldn't really tell because I couldn't tell you the last time it'd been combed at that point- it was also the shade of a not quite ripe tangerine because I attempted to box color it and picked a shade that was simply atrocious for my skin tone, which was a lovely shade of green at that point.
I looked- pitiful
Me 5 years ago would have pointed me out to a friend in the mall- laughed and said "That's why the hell you don't have kids- you look like shit constantly." (Yes, I was that shallow at one point in my life. shhhhhhh)
The hairdresser worked her magic and I must say I loved it. I even went home and put on makeup!
And Daddy took us to a baseball game! (Stros lost, but the fireworks were awesome)
But I still haven't quit lost that "haunted " look apparently. I suppose it's because I really do spend most of my days running on an unhealthy amount of caffiene. (Sorry bitty bit- but at least it's not ya know....drugs or whatever.) I have my kiddos to take care of though and whoever made the "rules" for pregnancy clearly didn't already have children and no help.
My husband is our financial backbone and we'd die without him (duh) but people can't really appreciate my life- and most wouldn't choose to walk a day in my shoes if they could help it.
I find it fulfilling but I have come to the conclusion that if I want the misconceptions about my happiness and ability to stop then perhaps I should somehow (when?!) find 5 minutes in the day to ya know- do my makeup and comb my hair.
So I've been trying. And I do look a lot more "human" lately. The annoying comments and pitiful looks are getting less frequent...though I have a new favorite annoying comment to share...
"I bet YOU don't need a sleeping pill at night!!!"
to which I replied "Nope. I haven't slept in years. It's a vampire thing." (insert a smile that implies I'm about to rip your throat out with my teeth for being an obnoxious hag- watch weird opinionated lady back away slowly...)
I have missed myself. Or should I say, I have missed having the time to "spoil" myself. I do wark hard, and it's deserved I'm told. But I figure in a few years I'll have time to slooooow down a bit and make myself more of a priority. In the meantime, I promise to wear makeup in public and at least throw a ballcap on if Lil Bit has hidden the hair brush again.