Tell All Tuesdays...

Confession:

I'm socially awkward. 

BUT, not in the typical sense of the condition. I'm not by any means shy. I'm actually quite outgoing, friendly, rather silly, and extroverted in just about every sense.

However, I'm pretty much incapable of being "Fake." 

Being put in awkward situations, such as ya know, dealing with people I don't care for. Particularly if these people have a history of being assholes to folks I care about.

Now, society dictates I must be polite and kind to people, particularly in public settings such as work, church, Walmart etc. 

But damned if people don't make it hard for me. 

People who mess with my kids are the worst. There was this kid messing with my son, several witnesses to the bullying that took place, and the mom of said bully blamed my kid.

I want her to suffer. But alas, she has better "public standing" than lowly ole Mama AGU, so I'm resigned by my "status" as a nobody to behave myself unless I want to make things worse for my kid.

This doesn't fly with me. Every time I've seen this woman since I just turn around and walk off. Why? 

My face, apparently, tells on me a lot.

My husband is known to whisper "Baby, fix your face" when I'm confronted with people I'd rather like to hurt, or at least give a good and well deserved tongue lashing. 

My voice gets all high pitched and weird as I force a smile to my face and exchange the customary "pleasantries" (aka bullshit southern girl small talk "How's your mama an them!!!???") and I pretend to be just THRILLED to see this person who in my honest opinion should be gator bait. I say all the right things apparently.

But my face and eyes apparently tell the person exactly what I think of them.

I've only recently been made aware that this was going to cause a problem for me when an incident with someone I don't care for happened at work. My boss and coworkers started giggling when said person walked off and I said "WHAT?! I wasn't rude was I?! I was firm, but polite!?" 

A dear friend said..."Well....your words weren't rude... but if you'd looked at me like that? I'd have backed out of the room too."

Damn. Cover blown. 

I just suck at it folks. I have a really really difficult time making my face match my words when placed in these situations. I think it's going to be even harder for me as the kids get older and I'm introduced to more people who suck at life! 

Mr. AGU finds this amusing "I thought you were a trained actress sweetie, how were you ever any good at that?" 

1) I never said I was any good. Not being able to make direct eye contact with people cost me more than one part. Especially if it was an intense audition opposite someone I didn't like. Amplified the drama for sure but the REAL mama AGU had a tendency to look a lot angry during "happy" scenes when I didn't like the bitch I was reading with. 

2) Since when is being "REAL" a bad thing?

It's going to get worse, I'm told. I'm going to have to tame my inner mama bear as the kids, especially the girls, get older and start developing their friendships with other kids and I'm forced to deal with parents who can't seem to let their children handle their own social issues. (Intervention in a kid's friend problem should be the last resort y'all, not undertaken lightly, and only if there is going to be harm to your child if an adult doesn't step in. They have to learn to handle peers. End of rant.) 

I expect I'm going to have to take some more acting classes or something just so I don't make an ass out of myself. I don't like being fake. It makes my tummy hurt, to quote Tid Bit. I'm not that person that thinks of all that clever crap I could have or should have said after the fact. I tend to let it fly. I spent too much time worrying about what other folks thought of me in my early twenties and late teens. I'm too old for games. I don't see why I should have to pretend to like people who by all accounts never grew up. 

Another thing I tend to do if I don't like folks? Or if I'm uncomfortable with the conversation. is pretty much cut them off and end the conversation. It's rude. I know it. I'm having trouble caring. Bad Mama AGU.

I have a bad habit of interrupting folks when I DO like them too. But it's harder to explain that. I may have a bit of ADD. A good friend of mine calls it my "JUMP THINKS." When having a conversation or, ya know, not, my mind races. I'm listening, but my brain goes off into random tangents based on the original conversation. 

Ex. " It's a beautiful day, we should go to the beach!" (Insert them talking more about weather and beaches here, they go on to make plans and set times and all that... I'm listening but here is what's going on in my brain."

"BEACH. SUNSCREEN. OUT OF SUNSCREEN. WALMART.I HATE WALMART. NEVER ENOUGH CASHIERS. WONDER IF IT'S ON SALE AT THE GROCERY STORE. GROCERY STORE,OUT OF MILK.LACTOSE INTOLERANT. MISS ICE CREAM..."

Them: They just had the beach clean up so the seaweed should be gone! It'll be great!

ME: "Let's go to dairy queen. I like their steak fingers"

(Insert what.the.hell.look. from friend/family member/husband HERE)

Needless to say I have a reputation for being random. O:) 

Obviously, my intent was not to be rude :-( At all!!! I'm just a little insane I think... 

Suggestions on ways to get the "I wanna cut you" look off my face when confronted with assholes? I can try and work on the rest I swear! :-)